“Birthday cakes for ALL occasions!” – a sign I saw in a bakery window on my way to one of the poshest hotels in London. A new concept, birthday cakes for Christmas and funerals. Dude.
It was my father’s birthday yesterday and to celebrate we went out for dinner and sat at ‘the chef’s table’ in a “very posh, you must wear a dress” restaurant. I wore a dress and looked “very pretty for a change”; unfortunately my cow socks didn’t really go down too well. I don’t suppose it helped that they didn’t match.
Just to give you some idea of how posh this hotel actually was…There was a woman in the toilet room who turned on the tap for you. Not only that but you were expected to keep your shoes on the whole damn time. On the plus side, we did get to sit practically in the kitchen and watch all the chefs on plasma screens. Mmm plasma.
As anyone who knows me will tell you, my plan is to marry Homer Simpson. Ok, so maybe only about two people who know me knew that, but hey, now everyone knows. Obviously there is one flaw in my plan. He is already married, won’t leave Marge and I just can’t compete with that blue hair; that’s more like three flaws, I know. Anyway, I either need to get rid of Marge, or trick Homer somehow. He’s stup…I mean…he’s easily fooled, so it shouldn’t be difficult, all I need is a blue wig, orange pearls and a green dress. It is about time I put my plan in to action, so, anyone who can provide me with any of the above please send me your name and address on the back of a postcard. Alternatively, anyone who wants to possibly take Marge off my hands, please contact me in a similar manner.
Updates on my progression to the final stage, that I like to call ‘Homer: the marriage’ will be available at your request.
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.
--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I think that this poem tells us a lot about human nature. Most people are very nice until they are not and then they are horrid. Just like me, in fact. Beware.
Ok, I know it’s a while since I got back from Devon and I know I said I’d post any note worthy things that happened while I was there. Frankly, there weren’t any. Well, I got to herd sheep one day; I walked up the same hill many times just to make phone calls and I went all the way to The Big Sheep at least twice in order to check my email. I went on a few scenic walks and here is more or less what I saw. I wouldn't say that any of that is 'note worthy' as such, but hey, I had to post something.
Playing a colour association game, one person says a word and the other has to associate it with one of three colours, red, green, or blue. Sounds boring I know but there was a point to it, honest. Anyway…
Nutbuni – Err, red I suppose, I dunno.
Munkeh – Red-house?
Nutbuni – Yes, it’s the only one that vaguely fitted.
Munkeh – What’s a red-house?
Nutbuni – Well, what the fuck’s a greenho…oh right.
*Half an hour later*
Nutbuni – I’d better stop looking at that list because every time I do I see ‘house’ in the green column and think ‘wtf?’
I used to go out with this guy who’d give me at least one different cuddly toy and various other type gift things every time I saw him. Luckily it only lasted a few months and he lived very far away so I only saw him a few times. However, I blame him for the Hiroshima state of my room and my indifference to cuddly toys.
"During Autumn of 2000, a team of scientists at the Department
of Forensics at University College London removed a row of
passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for
analysis into cleanliness. Despite London Underground's
claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a
regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries:
This is what was found on the surface of the seats:
* 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
* 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
* vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
* human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
* human excrement
* rodent excrement
* human semen
When the seats were taken apart, they found:
* the remains of 6 mice
* the remains of 2 large rats
* 1 previously unheard of fungus
It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are
transferring to your body the natural oils and sweat from as
many as 400 different people. It is estimated that it is
generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to
travel for one hour a day on the London Underground. It is
far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a
recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your
hand on a London Underground seat before eating. It is
estimated that within London, more work sick-days are taken
because of bugs picked up whilst traveling on the London
Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol)."
All I can say to that is, a day trip to Camden Market will never be the same again. *Looks around for her protective clothing. Trips over her gas mask.*
With thanks and hugs to Delta for the inspiration (and url) for this post.
Idiom: A speech form or an expression of a given language that is peculiar to itself grammatically or cannot be understood from the individual meanings of its elements.
Sacred Cow A sacred cow is something highly reguarded to be open to criticism Its origin is an allusion to the Hindu reverence for cows.
It came like a bolt from the blue Like a lightening bolt that strikes from a clear sky. It means a surprise.
Lose your rag Origin is UK based and means to lose your temper.
Shit hits the fan An uproar caused when a secret situation becomes publicly known. Originating in the U.S. in the 1930's.
Other fun idioms and their meanings can be found here.
Batman (1989) The Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!
I grin like the Joker, apparently. I'm slightly scared by that.
Saw Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines today; it was well worth the £4 odd I paid to see it. I just hope for her sake that Miss Loken didn’t get paid by the word…unless they were worth several grand each.
